You Can Run but You Can’t Hide

Last week my family went on a cruise. It was the first cruise for my family of 4 and my mother-in-law, and a repeat for my Aunt, Uncle, 2 cousins and an amazing family friend. It was a Sunday to Saturday cruise through the Caribbean with 3 stops. We hadn’t had a real, relaxing vacation all year because Jimmy is self-employed and the first 8-9 months of the year are the busiest.

I picked October (specifically, the 25th) because that’s Heath’s death anniversary. Noah’s birthday is the next week and I don’t want him to only think of sadness when his birthday comes around so we try to do something that he will really enjoy.

I was also a little selfish when I chose those dates because I thought it would distract me from the thunder clouds rolling in and wanting to stay in bed for the day (or the entire week).

It didn’t work. When October 25th rolled around, it didn’t matter than I was on a beautiful ship with tons of activities and food available 24 hours a day for any craving imaginable. I still spent most of the day in bed wallowing in the grief that apparently travels with us just like my makeup bag and multiple shoe selections.

The weight of his absence was still there like a giant elephant attempting to be our roommate. I couldn’t help but to see other little kids around his age running around, knowing that he should be there with us. I should be fighting with him because of naps, or what he wasn’t eating (Avery did do some of that so it wasn’t completely absent from our trip).

I went to breakfast, then lunch and then went back to bed and stayed there the entire afternoon and most of the evening. The kids were off with the rest of the family swimming, ice skating or eating so I just laid there. I napped and then watched some tv (the channels were very limited so I couldn’t escape my thoughts altogether), then napped again. The rest of the family came and went, going about their fun and I’m SO grateful for that. I wouldn’t have been able to manage my own emotions and theirs.

You’d think I would know by this point that you can’t run from the realities of life. I should know that no matter where I go or what I do, that missing him will still be there in the back of my mind and that it only takes a few seconds of idle time for the loss to come rushing forward.

I couldn’t run or distract myself from the reality that Heath’s loss will always be right there on the edge of consciousness, waiting to sneak into my mind and take over the rest of my brain. And like a snake wrangler, I’m still there trying to make sure that it doesn’t take over my entire life… which sometimes takes everything I’ve got.

It’s okay to spend some time in that place where I remember him and grieve him but it’s not okay for me to live there.

And soak up every moment that I can with this 3 people that I love so much.