Reconciliation

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, people with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) display excessive anxiety or worry, most days for at least 6 months, about a number of things such as personal health, work, social interactions, and everyday routine life circumstances. The fear and anxiety can cause significant problems in areas of their life, such as social interactions, school, and work.
Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms include:

• Feeling restless, wound-up, or on-edge
• Being easily fatigued
• Having difficulty concentrating; mind going blank
• Being irritable
• Having muscle tension
• Difficulty controlling feelings of worry
• Having sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, restlessness, or unsatisfying sleep

I struggle with anxiety. Every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It can be something little, or something big, that triggers it. I heard someone once say that it’s like shaking up a soda but leaving the lid on. All that energy has no where to go. I felt like that was such a perfect metaphor. Sometimes I can pinpoint why it’s happening or where it’s coming from and sometimes it is a mystery to me. My poor husband probably thinks I’m nuts, and he’s probably right, but bless his heart, he still keeps coming home every day to this crazy house. He should have run a long time ago before the kids came. Now he can never escape… at least not without paying a fortune in child support. Kidding…. sorta.

Anywho, I had a smallish (ok, maybe not so smallish) panic attack in the car the other day. I was going somewhere, I was in the car alone and I realized while I was driving that the life I planned is never going to be. Not that our life is bad. But it wasn’t what I planned and prepared for. I’m always on Pinterest and Zillow looking at houses and projects and I send them to my husband (much to his dismay, seriously, this poor man), but I realized something about myself because of what I gravitate towards. I’m so enlightened and all. *Insert sarcasm here*

Obviously, this shouldn’t be a shock right? I mean, it’s been almost 8 1/2 years since we lost Zoe and 2 1/2 since Heath, but it’s still surprising some days. I am still surprised when I wake up and realize that we have lost 2 of our babies. That this is our reality. Why hasn’t my brain grasped this completely??

I can’t say that I always say that I always wanted a big family, but the more losses that we had, the more I wanted it. I grew up in such chaos, I wanted my kids to have siblings they were close to, that they could confide in, that they could grow up and be friends with. I envy that of other families. The houses that I favorite on Zillow have big open floor plans, kitchens for family dinners, dining rooms for Thanksgivings, porches and a yard covered in children.

This may come out the wrong way, but stick with me here. In my mind, I see my life differently than what I have. If I could have Zoe and Heath back, I would do it without question. In my head, I picture a house full of children, and eventually, grandchildren. I struggle to reconcile what has happened to us and what I wish was. When I sleep, those wishes come true and I dream, I see all of my children playing together happily or my minivan full of car seats, and it’s a constant, heart-shattering disappointment when I wake up. I could never regret a single second of any of my children except for one thing.

I wish there were more. So many more.

I am very lucky. I have a husband that loves me (even though he should probably get me one of those special white coats that let’s me hug myself), my beautiful children, here and beyond, an extended family that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I have friends that are as close as family that have been placed in my path.

I keep reminding myself that there were days that I dreamed of what I have now.