I have a wonderful, beautiful friend that is getting ready to have her first baby in August. I’m planning a baby shower with some of the other girls from work and as I’ve been working on this, I started to reflect on some of the things I have learned or that I wish someone would have told me.
These are some things that I have become aware of over the last 9 years and 8 months of parenting.
Disclaimer: I love my children. These are supposed to be funny (and true). Please do not call Social Services. The kids are fine.
Labor is really the easy part.
Quiet is amazing… until you have a toddler. Then it will cause major panic.
Sleep deprivation is the work of the devil and I can run on almost no sleep for way longer than I ever imagined… or ever wanted to.
At some point, I went from running from vomit, to putting my hands out to catch whatever was going to come flying out of my kid, like “here, I’ll hold it.”
How can someone so little produce so much poop????
Sometimes my kids open their mouths, and I come flying out… Well played, Karma.
When I say, “okay, let’s go. Get in the car” My kids hear “it’s time to go poop.”
Both of us can’t look good. It’s either me or the house.
Before I had kids, I never knew that I could ruin someone’s life by asking them to put on pants… or shoes… or really any article of clothing.
I always said that my kids wouldn’t ever throw tantrums. Has anyone met Avery?? Let’s just take a second and laugh about that.
Generally, my house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I made Noah help me clean up, and he once asked, “Mom, is someone coming over?”
Answer: No, I just get tired of the house looking like it’s infested with Raccoons.
Some days I do yoga and never raise my voice. Sometimes I stand in the bathroom eating cake because I don’t want to share. Seriously. It’s all mine.
If your son tells you that he threw up in his room, DEFINTELY turn on the light before you walk in. I learned this the hard way — And then I was scrubbing vomit out from between my toes. If I remember correctly, he had had pizza for dinner.
Sometimes I drive home from the grocery store really slowly and pretend I’m on a vacation.
Getting fat is WAYYYYY easier than parenting.
There is nothing more honest than a photo of you taken by your child.
Other parent: My child only eats organic.
Me: Good for you, my child eats Cheetos off the floor that I spot clean with a Lysol wipe. (True Story).
There’s a BIG difference between an apple and apple that has been peeled and cut into slices. And choosing the wrong preparation can ruin the rest of your day.
A child screaming in a restaurant doesn’t bother me AT ALL as long as they don’t belong to me.
There have been multiple times when I have to absolutely lose my mind in order to get anyone to listen to me. And then they are all “Geez Mom, why are you in such bad mood?” Ugh.
I would LOVE to hear some of the things that parenting taught you!
I will take all the help I can get!