I never thought that I would actually like to exercise. I don’t like to sweat, like on the treadmill or the elliptical. I don’t mind weights too much, but it’s not something I want to do everyday. I mostly just want to lay on the couch and eat junk.
But then I tried yoga. Ok, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about those hippie people that don’t believe in using deodorant. Stay with me though.
I was really struggling back in December. I had just gone back to work and it was hard flipping back and forth between night shift and day shift at home. I wasn’t happy. Wasn’t really sleeping, eating once or twice a day (and all the wrong things). My husband was worried.
I thought I was ok, as ok as I was going to get. I was putting one foot in front of the other and getting dressed every. single. day. I was depressed but I was taking my medication as my OB-GYN ordered, and it probably helped as much as it was going to. I was kinda panicky about the kids and how they were doing.
One night, we were cleaning out the kitchen cabinets (seriously, who has this much tupperware??) and Jimmy said, “I made a doctor’s appointment for you for tomorrow. It’s at 8:30.”
I was beyond livid. But I went (really, only because I was worried that the office would charge me for not showing up, we were already drowning in medical bills from Heath’s stay at NICU).
When I got there, they gave me this post-partum depression questionnaire to fill out. I handed it back and told them I wasn’t filling it out. The receptionist looked at me like I was nuts, and I probably was. She asked me why. I told her, “My son died. I’m pretty sure your scale doesn’t go up high enough for that.” I wasn’t very polite, but at the time I felt it was warranted. Read the chart and actually find out something about me as a patient before you ask me stupid questions.
So anyway, I get back to see my doctor. I love Paige. She delivered Heath and has gone above and beyond for us. The day that we lost heath, she spent time on the phone with me, called in medication while she was away for the office, she took calls and text messages from us after hours. She is amazing. She has been patient and kind to us and I could NEVER, EVER, EVER thank her enough.
She saw me and talked to me about Jimmy’s concerns (he had talked to her before my appointment) and talked to me about where I was in my grief process. That sounds really clinical. She assessed how much of a mess I was. After our conversation, she said that she thought that I was on a “normal” track and was pretty much where she expected me to be.
Then she said it: “Have you ever thought about yoga?”
She asked me to just give it a chance. She said that it started as a workout for her, but it became something more. She asked me to go to one class and suggested the one for that Saturday. I agreed.
I had been to classes at my gym before but didn’t seem to get much out of it. To say I was nervous would be the understatement of the year, but I went. The Yoga Mac is a little studio in my town that has now become such a tremendous part of my sanity and stability. The instructor, Kate, that teaches most of the classes that I go to is amazing. When I first met her, she just made me feel comfortable and safe. She made me feel like I wasn’t going to stick out, fall on my face, or break my neck. She is so understanding and encouraging. She makes me feel like it’s ok to be right in the middle of the chaos that I am right now and that is so huge for me right now.
Yoga gives me an hour at a time to stop my brain. It makes me stop thinking about all of the crap that has happened. It makes me calm m
y head and focus on what I’m doing physically. It pushes pause on the NICU movie. I’m trying to keep my balance, I’m trying not to tip too far forward or back. I’m not a mom. I’m not a wife. I’m not a nurse. I’m just here trying to be here in this moment to make myself better. I’m not trying to please anyone. I’m not trying to fix the kids or my marriage. I’m not worried about where Avery’s shoes are or if Noah brushed his teeth. I have learned that while I’m on my mat, nothing else matters. I’m just on my mat in this little box of non-judgement.
Paige and Kate have added so much to my life. I didn’t know that I had a place I needed them to occupy until they filled it.
If you have found your mind racing, struggling to keep yourself grounded, find a studio near you (or near me) and give it a try.