Dear New Mom, It’s Not About You.

Everyone has seen that new mom with the beautiful baby.  She is glowing with love as she looks at this stunning new life that has just begun.  The grandparents pass around the future of the family, all while commenting on who he or she looks like.  Obviously, that chin is from dad, those eyes are all mom, look at those long fingers and all 10 adorable toes.

Dear New Mom, the reason I’m way over here has nothing to do with you.

I’m not able to get in the middle of this moment because sometimes, it’s just too painful.  It makes me recall the traumatic way that my babies came into the world… and then how they left me way too soon.  I’m too broken to face it. Sometimes it’s simply too much.  I wish I could be strong enough to relish in this moment.  I want to be whole again so that it’s not all that I think about. But that’s not realistic.

It’s not about you.

I wouldn’t wish losing a child on anyone in the world.  Honestly, I would shoulder it for every parent until the end of time, just so no one else would have to endure it.  Yes, I unquestionably agree that your baby is a gift and I would never think otherwise. Even if it wasn’t in your plan.  Even if it terrifies you.

It’s not about you.

I wish you every happiness.  I wish you many nights of rocking him, and nursing and feeling so tired you don’t know what to do. I want you to soak up every minute and every smile.  I want you to enjoy the brilliant pains of motherhood because there are those that would give everything to have them.

It’s not about you.

I’m sorry that I can’t sit here and relive your birth with you.  I’m beyond relieved that you didn’t have anywhere near the same experience I did.  I’m so happy that he cried with that first breath. That’s something I never knew I took for granted.  I hate that I didn’t savor the minutes I had, all 21,000 of them.

It’s not about you.

I’m truly sorry that I’m not able to bask in the newborn light that is radiating from you so brightly that’s it’s blinding.  I want to be able to. I’m just not capable yet.  And I don’t know when I will be.  The feelings come in gentle waves sometimes. And sometimes it’s a huge tsunami that threatens to drown me completely. The feelings of pain, sadness and even jealousy can be more than I can manage, so I just remove myself from the reminder — in this case, it’s you, and I’m really, really sorry for that.

So the next time you see that man or woman standing outside your extraordinary glow, please believe whole-heartedly, it’s not about you. 

 

 

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