Pause

I recently started going back to counseling (I only just had my second appointment) because it was strongly suggested that it may help me deal with some things that I have long since buried down deep. During my intake she asked me about all the things, like literally ALL. THE. THNGS.

We spoke about my sleep and I said that for the most part, I sleep pretty well (which is a huge accomplishment after years of night shift). I told her that I take a melatonin before bed and read until I get sleepy. She asked me what happens if I don’t take the melatonin and read. I said that I will eventually go to sleep but it’s harder and that my brain runs away with me. She asked what do you think about it? I told her, “I just think about the list, all the things that I need to remember to do or kids stuff or whatever.” I remember asking her at some point during this conversation “doesn’t everyone do that?” As an example, here is a clip that pretty much describes my brain (skip to about 40 seconds in).

Apparently not. If you’re one of them, please comment below. I want to know your secret.

I was talking to a few of my teammates recently and it turns out that not EVERYone is planning years in advance, just in case. I used to think that Jimmy was just trying to make me think I was crazy when he told me to just relax — I mean, who actually does that? **insert eye roll here**

I’ve never been good at taking a minute to just breathe. As much as I have always tried to be un-busy, my mind is always on the run. I’m told that it’s a response to growing up and not being able to control anything so I try to think through and control any possible outcome for any situation, especially the ones that will never happen. Seems accurate to me.

So now I’m trying to make some changes for myself that allows me to give my brain a break. I’m making efforts to reduce stress, to take time for myself each day during a 30 minute walk and at least once a week when I spend the day doing something that brings me joy. I’ve been taking a strong look at my calendar and have been blocking off time for me and for the family that is immovable. I try to avoid working on Wednesdays (just because that day seems to work for my schedule) and do something that’s fun. A couple weeks ago, I spent the whole day working in the yard and planting flowers. There’s something to be said for garden therapy.

Maybe some of you can understand the feeling of the ever-present list of things that have to be done. Maybe you feel like you are running a marathon on zero energy every single day. Are you trying to do it all, to hold it all together, trying to hydrate and eat right and exercise, be successful at work, have a healthy relationship with your spouse and keep your kids from ending up killing each other?

Me too.

So take it from me and go for a walk. Get a therapist. Read a book that’s just for fun. Tell your 9 year old that you just need a few minutes to yourself (and DON’T feel guilty about it). I’m taking this advice myself. I’m still working on the guilt part.

Or maybe I’m just talking to myself here.

— E