I’ve always tried to shield my kids from as much ugliness as I can. Some people may disagree with me because “they’re going to go out into the world eventually.” That is correct. They are. But not before I can teach them as much as I can about what they will encounter. All the ugly. All the hard. All the heartwrenching, horrible things that can bombard them from every side.
When I was growing up, my feelings were of very little consideration to most of the people that raised me. I’m not saying this to say they did a bad job or to make it someone else’s fault. That’s just how I felt. It has taken me a great deal of my adult life to realize that my feelings matter. Like, really matter. They are mine and no one can take them away from me. I remember all too well that pit of my stomach feeling that made my face flush. All that being said, I never want my children to feel that — That they aren’t important, that they are somehow less than anyone else. They are amazing people and they deserve to know that (without turning them into arrogant, boastful adults that feel like they are more important that everyone else). Geez, what a fine line. How do you do both? I have no idea. I worry every single minute that I’m doing a horrible job. My mom friends have shared that they worry too so I know I’m not alone in this.
The one thing that I can say with complete confidence is that I’m honest with them. I do everything I can not to lie to them. My aunt was always honest with me about what was going on when I was a kid and it’s something that I can never thank her enough for. When my mother was in jail (again), she didn’t tell me that she went on a trip or anything like that. She told me the truth. As embarrassing and difficult as that was to know, at least I knew the truth. And the truth is an incredibly valuable thing. Even now, I would rather know the ugly truth that be told what I want to hear. I truly believe that it guided me to make better choices and taught me that there are consequences to our actions.
I have had to have some really hard conversations with them. Jimmy has always back me up and been there for all of us. We have tried to give them the information that they needed without drowning them in information that wasn’t age appropriate.
I will never forget when Jimmy and I came home from the hospital and had to tell Noah and Avery that their baby brother would never come home. I will never forget having to explain infidelity to Noah (let me be clear, it wasn’t mine or Jimmy’s). I will never forget having to explain what drugs and jail are and that that is the reason that they don’t know my mother or siblings. They needed to know because it directly affected our family and I didn’t want them to think that I was hiding things from them. I hated that feeling and will do everything I can to keep them from that. And Noah has told me before that he was glad that he knew, it gave them both the chance to ask questions.
They will go out into the world and be engulfed in all the darkness that the world has to offer. My hope is that the world can’t dim the beautiful light inside of them and that they will find other perfectly imperfect people to share their lives with. That’s my hope for every child. They deserve to know how amazingly beautiful they are.
So before they go I’m going to drown them in as much love and affection and understanding as I can. They won’t get that out there and I truly believe it’s a lot easier to build a kid up that to repair an adult (as that saying goes).
Life Inside Looking Out 