And just like that Fall is here. It is without a doubt, my favorite season. I love the weather and the leaves, although here in the South, we don’t see as much of it as I would like. I love the pumpkins (not the pumpkin spice — I know, I fail on that part of basic white girl) and the decor. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving. I just love Fall. I start out by baking pumpkin bread and I make soup because, well, I just love soup.
But every year, I find myself anxious and antsy and it takes me a while to figure out why, which by now, it really shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be surprised when I find myself wanting to redecorate (and by redecorate I mean taking down walls and ripping up flooring) changing out, well, everything. Then I add on eating every feeling I have — good, bad and indifferent.
Then it hits me, harder than usual, I should say. The grief. It hits me like a train or mack truck. Or any other big piece of heavy equipment of your choosing. Heath’s birthday and anniversary of his death are right around the corner. I try to manage it as best I can but it always still there like a giant weight that I drag around with me. Sometimes it doesn’t feel as heavy but it’s still there. Avery is the most vocal about Heath. She talks about him quite a bit and, while I want her to feel like she can, it can pack a punch when she wants to know why she only gets to have one of her brothers among her many questions. I don’t think that she says much to Jimmy about Heath, maybe she saves it up for me (insert sigh here).
I try to cover/manage my loss/anxiety with busy-ness of cleaning, organizing, decorating (although my house still looks like raccoons have been camping out). I have to force myself to stop, take a breath and just be. As agonizing as it is, I have to stop and be in the loss of Heath and then Zoe in December, otherwise I will gloss over it and I have learned over the years that doing that does more harm than good. My hiding from my feelings doesn’t do anyone in our family any good.
When I try to hide from it, it comes out as frustration and anger when dealing with Jimmy and the kids with something totally unrelated and that is completely unfair to them (and that circles back to anger at myself). They didn’t ask for any of this, just like I didn’t. Thankfully, they love me even when I’m a raving lunatic over something ridiculous, like socks left out. And I love them, even when they leave their socks out for the 8,546,267th time (but seriously, just take them upstairs!). It also shows up with work when I clock out but can’t seem to get my mind off my patients. Sometimes they go home with me too, no matter how hard I try to leave them at the time clock.
I’m learning to give myself a little grace during this time of year (and in general), while I grieve over Heath during October for his birthday and angelversary, for Zoe’s day in December, for them missing Christmas and Thanksgiving. For missing their first days of school and all their other firsts.
Sometimes I only have enough grace for today.
Maybe you’re dealing with the loss of someone that very important to you. Or maybe you’re having a hard time in your marriage. Maybe you are struggling with your parenting (because parenting is freaking hard!)
I just want remind you to give yourself a break. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re human. You can’t be perfect. Your husband or wife just wants you. Just you. They love you and want you to be the very best version of yourself.
Your kids, as hard as they can make life sometimes, just want you to be the best parent that you can be. They aren’t asking for perfection. They aren’t asking for every toy or gadget on Amazon (well, they might be, but that’s not what they really want). They just want you to be happy and love them.
I’m reminding you, just like I’m reminding myself.
So, seriously, just take a breath and be.
— E
Life Inside Looking Out 